The secure couple
Resilient couples inspire me with their ability to stay in there, to mend the fractures and laugh at themselves. They also forget how to use therapy and so cancel or wait until the rift is of an un-jumpable distance. She avoids and he is anxious, his anxiety makes her avoid, her avoidance makes him anxious. I stick my finger in to stop the spinning. It works, everyone feels better. I am tempted to step back and let the spinning continue so they will stay in therapy long enough for the change to deepen. Finally I figure out how to do both. I shift the language from behavior and emotions to attachment and development. I talk about secure attachment and self authoring and self transforming stages of development. I invite them to know these things about themselves and each other. We devise ways to shift towards a more secure attachment by seeing where the anxiety and avoidance begin. I suggest they each observe the shifts in themselves and wonder what is missed, while owning the inclinations of anxiety and avoidance.